How to talk on the phone with someone living with dementia

Before you dial

Call when she is at her best. For many people living with dementia that is the late morning, after breakfast and before any afternoon dip; for others it is right after a meal, once they feel settled. If you are not sure which, notice which calls go easily and which do not, and let the pattern guide you. A call placed at a hard hour rarely goes well no matter what either of you says. It helps to jot down the times that work, on a note by your own phone, so you are not relearning her pattern every week. A quiet moment on your end matters too: background noise, a television left on, or a rushed tone of your own can turn a good hour into a hard one before you have said a word.

Say who you are, every time

Do not wait to be recognised, and do not test whether you are. Open with your name and how you are related to her, the same way every time: "Hi Mum, it's your daughter," or a husband's equivalent, "Hi love, it's your husband." Say it as warm information, not a quiz. If she already knows you, it costs nothing. If she does not, in that moment, it spares her the discomfort of pretending, or of guessing wrong. The same opening, in the same order, on every call, becomes its own small comfort, familiar even on the days your name is not.

One thing at a time

Ask one question, then wait. Dementia can make it harder to process what someone is saying, and a second question arriving before the first has landed can knock both out of reach. Keep sentences short and concrete: not "how has your week been," but "did you see Frank today." Give her time to answer before you fill the silence yourself. A compound question, such as "did you sleep well and did you have breakfast," is really two calls folded into one breath. Split it: ask the first, wait for whatever comes back, and only then ask the second.

Tell, don't test

Trade questions for stories wherever you can. "What did you have for lunch" asks her to retrieve something that may already be gone, and a blank answer can land, for her, like a small failure. "I had soup for lunch, the tomato kind you used to make" offers the same warmth without the test. She can join in, or simply enjoy being told. Either way, nothing is being marked. The same trade works for the weather, the neighbours, or the garden: "it's raining here today, just like the week we painted the fence," carries a memory to her rather than fishing for one of her own.

When she asks to go home, or for someone who has died

Sometimes she will ask to go home when she is already there, or ask after someone who died years ago. Correcting her rarely changes what she believes, and it can hand her a loss to grieve all over again. Answer the feeling underneath the question instead of the words in it: "You miss home, tell me about the house you grew up in," or "She loved you very much." This responds to the feeling without asking her to remember something she cannot. If the same question comes back a few minutes later, answer it the same warm way again, as if for the first time, because for her it likely is. Compassionate validation goes into this further.

Ending the call kindly

Do not drag out a goodbye or ask permission to go; either can unsettle her further. Use the same warm closing every time, such as "I love you, I'll call again soon," and then end the call. A short, certain ending is easier for her to hold than a long one that trails off. If she asks you to stay on the line, a gentle repeat of the same closing, rather than a new explanation, is usually kinder than a negotiation neither of you can finish.

Should she have a phone at all?

For as long as a phone brings her more comfort than fright, she should keep one. Being reachable, and able to reach you, matters to her sense of safety long after most conversations have stopped following a thread. What tends to change is not whether she has a phone but which kind, as dialling and remembering how to answer grow harder. Watch for signs the phone itself has become the hard part rather than the conversation on it: calls she cannot explain having missed, or frustration with the handset before a word is even said. Which phone should she have? looks at what to change, and when.

Where Voice Companion fits

Everything here, her best time of day, saying who you are, one thing at a time, telling rather than testing, is something a familiar recorded voice can hold to as well. Voice Companion answers her call in your own voice, in the hours you choose, and follows her lead rather than asking her to follow yours. How it works.

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