Why does my mother with dementia keep calling me?
She calls because she is anxious, and because she cannot hold on to the memory that you just spoke. Your voice settles her. Then the memory goes, the worry comes back, and she reaches for the phone again. It is not manipulation, and it is not a habit she could break if she tried. You are not failing her.
In short
- The calls come from anxiety, not from a wish to bother you. Each one is the first call to her.
- Voicemail and unanswered rings tend to bring more calls, not fewer.
- Short, warm answers may be easier to follow than long explanations.
- The hours you cannot answer can be covered by the voice she is calling for: yours.
What is happening in her mind
Dementia can make recent conversations harder to remember. A conversation from ten minutes ago may not be stored at all, so when she hangs up there is nothing to hold the reassurance in place. What stays is the feeling underneath: something is wrong, someone is missing, and you are the person she reaches for.
Repeated calls can be a way of seeking reassurance. Listen to what she is asking for and notice whether anything has changed. Her care team can help you understand new patterns or concerns.
How many calls is common, and what it does to you
There is no typical number. Some mothers call a few times a day; some call every few minutes through the evening. Whatever your number is, it is common, and it wears you down in a way that is hard to explain to anyone who is not living it.
CIHI's 2018 report describes an average of 26 hours of unpaid care each week and signs of distress in 45% of those supporting a person with dementia. These figures describe a group; your own need for support matters regardless of the hours you count.
Why an unanswered call may lead to another
When a call goes to voicemail, she does not remember leaving a message. She remembers only that she needed you and you were not there, and the worry grows. So she calls again, and again, and each unanswered ring confirms the fear she started with. Many families find that the evening they finally silence the phone is the evening the calls come thickest. Nobody is doing anything wrong here; the loop is built into how the memory fails, and not answering cannot teach her to stop.
What actually helps
None of these fixes it. Together they make the evenings lighter.
- Answer kindly and briefly. A minute of warmth settles her more than ten minutes of explanation.
- Do not correct her. If she thinks you spoke yesterday, or not at all, let it be so.
- Use the same words each time. A familiar sentence lands faster than a new one.
- Leave a note and a clock beside her phone, in your handwriting: I am at work until five, and I will call you at six.
- Set hours you can answer, and keep to them. Predictability calms both of you.
- If you have a brother or sister, take the evenings in turns.
- In the hours you cannot answer, let her hear a familiar voice rather than a ringtone.
Where Voice Companion fits
Voice Companion is the last item on that list, and only that. You record your own voice at home in one to three minutes. She keeps one number in her phone, saved under your name. In the hours you choose, when she calls, she hears your voice: warm, unhurried, following her lead, never correcting her. Outside those hours her call rings your own phone as it always has. It does not replace you, and it never phones her. It answers in the evenings you cannot, so that the evenings you can are better.
How it works, in plain words →
Read next
- Should I let her calls go to voicemail?
- What voicemail does to the loop of worry and repeat calls, and three kinder ways to answer when you truly cannot pick up.
- When the calls come at night
- Why the evening and the small hours bring more calls, what sundowning is, and what to try before you turn the ringer off.
- How to talk on the phone with someone living with dementia
- Words that settle her and words that stir her up, how to open a call, and a gentle way to bring one to a close.
- Which phone should she have?
- Big-button phones, landlines and mobiles compared, and what actually makes dialling and answering easier for her.
- Ways families handle the calls, compared
- Who answers, whether she hears a familiar voice, and what each approach costs a month, set out side by side.
- What the weeks are costing you
- Burnout and respite in Canada: the real figures on unpaid care, what burnout looks like, and where to find relief.
- Is it okay not to tell her the truth?
- On kindness, honesty and what she can still take in, and why a small mercy is not the same as a lie.
- When your husband forgets you were just there
- For the wife or husband who is called again minutes after leaving the room, and what that forgetting means.
- Recording your voice for someone you love
- What to say, how to say it, and the small choices that make a recorded voice sound like comfort, not a script.
- The first weeks after a dementia diagnosis in Canada
- Where to start, who to call first, what can wait a while, and the supports available across Canada.
Questions people ask
Is she doing it on purpose?
No. Each call is the first call to her. She is not testing you, and she is not choosing the worst moment; the worst moment is simply when the fear surfaces.
Should I turn my phone off in the evenings?
You can, and some nights you will need to. The calls do not stop on her side, though; they ring out or go to voicemail, which tends to raise her anxiety. If you do switch off, try to leave a warm voice where the ringing would be: a sister, a neighbour, or your own recorded voice.
Will this get better?
The calls change as the illness changes. Many families find the calling eases as she loses the ability to use the phone, which is its own kind of grief. A plan for sharing calls and getting support may make the day easier for both of you.
Sources
- UCLA Health, Alzheimer's and Dementia Care Program caregiver training: Repetitive Phone Calls.
- Alzheimer Society of Canada, Repetitive behaviours.
- Canadian Institute for Health Information, Dementia in Canada: Unpaid caregiver challenges and supports.
- Alzheimer Society of Canada, Dementia numbers in Canada.