When the calls come at night

Why evenings are harder for her

By late afternoon the light changes, and so does she. Alzheimer Society of Canada describes this pattern, restlessness or confusion that gathers later in the day, sometimes called sundowning. Nobody knows the full mechanism, but the effort of getting through a day plays a part. Her mind is already working harder than yours to make sense of things, and by evening there is less left to reason with. Worry has an easier time taking hold.

The dark does its own work too. Shadows move, familiar furniture loses its edges, and a house she has lived in for decades can, for a few minutes, stop looking like hers. None of this is character or complaint. It is the day catching up with her.

The Canadian Institute for Health Information reports that a dementia caregiver gives an average of 26 hours of unpaid care a week, and the evening hours are often the heaviest of them.

What a 3 a.m. call is asking for

A night-time call may mean she is worried, uncomfortable, or unsure where she is. Give her time to tell you what is happening. Repeated calls do not always have the same cause.

A calm voice and short sentences can help. Avoid telling her she is safe until you have checked what is happening.

What helps before dark

Some of the work happens hours before the phone rings.

• Light, ahead of dusk. Turning lamps on before the light outside drops makes the change less noticeable to her, and gives shadows less room to form.
• The same order, every evening. Supper, then the same chair, then the same programme. Fewer new decisions at the hour she is least able to make them.
• A note and a clock by her phone. Large print, one line: "I'm asleep. I'll call you in the morning." A clock with a face she can read beside it.
• A short call from you at a set time. A brief, warm call before her bedtime, at the same hour each night, can use up some of the evening's worry before it turns into a call of her own.

What helps when the phone rings at night

If it does ring, the aim is the same as any other hour: short, warm, and the same words each time.

• "Hi Mum, it's me."
• "You're at home, in your own bed, and you're safe."
• "It's night-time. Go back to sleep. I'll call you in the morning."
• "I love you."

First check whether something has happened or she needs help. Use reassurance that is true, and only promise a call or visit you can make.

When to talk to her doctor

Seek medical advice promptly if she suddenly becomes more confused or her behaviour changes noticeably. Do not wait for the next routine appointment. Pain, infection or medication changes may need attention. Call emergency services if there is immediate danger.

Where Voice Companion fits

Evenings and the night are exactly the hours you most need someone else to answer. Voice Companion answers her call, in your own recorded voice, within the hours you choose, perhaps from nine at night until seven in the morning, in her time zone, and says the same short, settling things you would. For a night that does not fit the schedule, one tap answers for the next hour, or two, or three, or four. Outside the hours you set, her call rings your own phone as it always has. How it works.

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